Congratulations–you’ve made the decision to leave a toxic relationship! Maybe you’ve broken up already or you’ve just come to the realization that the relationship isn’t good for you. The only problem is, you’re finding that leaving isn’t so easy.
From the outside, it can look like an easy choice. But on the inside, you’re missing your ex, second-guessing yourself, and dreading the prospect of getting back on dating apps. While your friends and family are breathing a collective sigh of relief over your decision, you’re left wondering what’s wrong with you.
Emotional turmoil
The uncomfortable feelings of grief, loneliness, guilt, and fear can be overwhelming and put you at risk of trying to get back together with your ex. While the logical part of you knows the relationship was toxic and bad for you, the emotional part of you is working overtime to minimize how bad things were, make you believe you will never find anyone better, and convince you that the relationship could still work out.
Trauma bonding and fear
The problem is not that you’re dumb or weak, it’s that you’re attached to the positive aspects of the relationship or rather, the cycle of ups and downs. The alternating pattern of abuse and affection can be confusing and result in an intense attachment called a trauma bond. If your relationship wasn’t abusive, you might be staying for other reasons, for example feeling like you have already invested so much in the relationship that you have to make it work or fear that it’s too late to find someone else or that you wouldn’t be able to find anyone better.
How to move on
Moving on from any relationship, especially a toxic one, doesn’t happen overnight. Besides grieving the positive aspects of the relationship and any other losses that go along with the relationship ending (such as shared routines, future plans, financial security, relationships with your ex’s loved ones, etc.), you’ll need to heal your relationship with yourself. This means addressing topics like insecurities, loneliness, self-esteem, and fears. Doing this deep work will help you understand yourself better and put the relationship into context, which can help you be kinder and more compassionate towards yourself.
Working through all of this helps you put your focus back on the present and on building the kind of life and relationships you really want, rather than dwelling on the past and feeling doom about the future.
Getting support
Leaning on your support system after a breakup can be hugely important. Talking to a therapist can also be helpful, especially if you’re feeling ashamed or embarrassed about wanting to get back together with an ex your friends and family can’t stand and who you know logically is not good for you. A therapist will help you process confusing and contradictory feelings without judgment.
If you’re struggling to leave or move on from a toxic relationship and you live in Ontario, Nunavut, or the Yukon, please reach out for a FREE consultation!
Rachel Ginsberg, MSW, RSW, is a psychotherapist and registered social worker who specializes in helping women in their 20s-30s navigate grief and life transitions and overcome money anxiety and financial trauma. Find out more at: https://rachelginsbergtherapy.ca/life-transitions-and-grief
Photo by Bernd Dittrich on Unsplash
Rachel Ginsberg
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